


I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

by 4thofFive



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Heartbreak, spoilers for 6x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 20:08:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4890409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4thofFive/pseuds/4thofFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's ready to propose. Danny's worried.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! I didn't think I would ever write another Five-0 story until I watched the first 10 minutes of 6x01 and had to turn it off. I'm not sure if I was more angry that Steve was going to propose without talking to Cath about why she left, or at Danny for being such a cheerleader. Anyway, this is what I think should have happened.
> 
> Thanks to Simplyn2deep who read two versions of this story before I decided I was ok with this one.
> 
> Title from the song Landslide by Stevie Nicks.

Danny rapped his knuckles on the frame of Steve’s office door.

“Hey, you wanted to see me?”

Steve looked up and smiled gesturing for Danny to come in. The detective let the heavy glass door close behind him and wandered over to his partner’s desk.

“I want to show you something,” Steve replied, his face a mixture of excitement and pride as he pulled a small, black velvet box from his desk drawer and held it up for Danny to see.

Danny felt his stomach flip but he forced a smile to his face.

“Is that what I think it is?”

Steve grinned happily and opened the top of the box to display a sizable diamond surrounded by a cluster of smaller diamonds. It was spectacular and it must have easily cost the SEAL several month’s salary.

“I’m going to ask her tonight,” Steve smiled up at his partner.

Danny let out a quiet breath and nodded as he tried to hide the worry growing in his gut.

“Oh that’s…that’s great babe. Congratulations.”

Steve shrugged as he examined the ring one more time before closing the top with a snap and opening the desk drawer to place it out of sight again.

“I’m going to make her a special dinner then ask her when we’re out on the beach having our wine.”

“I’m happy for you, babe,” Danny replied with the most sincere smile he could muster. “I guess this means the two of you have had your talk and everything’s ok now?”

Steve looked away briefly before meeting Danny’s eyes again.

“Well, no, not exactly. But I know what I want and I’m pretty sure she wants the same thing. It’s time.”

Danny rubbed a fist over his mouth nervously.

“Babe…don’t you think…you know?”

“What?” Steve looked up at his partner and folded his arms defensively on his chest. “You think she’s going to say no?”

Danny shook his head and leaned on the desk on his palms.

“No, I’m not saying that, I just think maybe you’re rushing things. She dumped you last year and then shows up out of the blue three days ago and now you’re going to ask her to marry you? You don’t even really know why she broke up with you.”

Steve stood up and began pacing the room. He’d wanted his partner to be excited by his announcement, not give him the third degree.

“I don’t need to know. Maybe she did it to wake me up and stop dragging my feet. Maybe she was trying to tell me that if I didn’t make a commitment she was gone.”

Danny turned and watched his partner as he paced a small circuit around the room.

“Then why didn’t she tell you that face-to-face? Why not lay it on the line a year ago instead of breaking up with you and vanishing for a year?”

Steve chuckled humourlessly and stopped pacing to glare over at the smaller man, hands clenched tightly on his hips.

“You’ve never liked her. Why don’t you just admit that Danny?”

Danny flushed red and tightened his hands into fists in frustration.

“You know damned well that’s not true," he growled. "I’ve always liked Cath and I was always the one pushing you to make it permanent with her…”

“Well,” Steve interrupted angrily. “What’s the problem then? I’m doing what you’ve suggested.”

Danny stilled and rubbed his hands over his face before dropping them and looking intently at his best friend.

“Babe, over the last couple of years doesn’t Cath seem kind of unsettled or…I don’t know…directionless?”

Steve snorted and turned away slightly.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. She’s fine.”

“Steve, she quit the Navy without quite being sure what she wanted to do…”

“She was tired of the Navy…”

“…then she worked with Billy, and that ended tragically I admit, but then she drifted again until you asked her to join Five-0...”

“She had skills we could use.”

“I’m not questioning your decision but she put in less than a year with Five-0 and then she was off to Afghanistan.”

“She needed to help those people,” Steve snapped, getting quickly frustrated by the conversation. “They were her friends. She owed them.”

“OK, I get that, but then out of the blue she decides to stay in Afghanistan and tells you to move on. For almost 12 months you don’t hear from her at all and then three days ago she shows up on your beach announcing she’s back. Doesn’t that seem a bit…flighty to you?”

Steve threw his hands out to the side in a very Danny-like display of anger.

“She changed her mind. People change their minds, Daniel.”

Danny held up both hands, palms out, trying to sooth his partner.

“Babe, I’m not trying to piss you off. You know yourself and Cath better than I do. I just think…I worry that you don’t know everything that’s going on in her head and I can’t stand to see you hurt again.”

Steve dropped his hands to his side and Danny watched the anger drain from his body. The SEAL stared at his best friend pleadingly.

“I want a family, Danny. I want children and a home and a life.”

Danny walked over to Steve and grasped him by the biceps giving them a squeeze.

“I want that for you too, babe. More than anything. And if Cath is the woman to give that to you then I’ll be thrilled I just…I can’t help worrying about you. It’s the dad in me.”

Steve hung his hands lightly from Danny’s forearms and smiled down at his partner.

“Well I’m fine, Dad, OK? I know what I’m doing.”

Danny smiled and nodded letting his hands fall away from Steve.

“OK buddy.” Danny shrugged again. “I guess then…good luck for tonight.”

Steve grinned happily.

“Thanks, Danno.”

**********

Danny set the plate of food in front of Grace then took his place opposite her at the kitchen table. The young woman finished the text she was sending then put the phone aside to dig into her meal. Her dad didn’t allow the phone during supper.

Danny fiddled with his food for a moment before smiling over at his daughter.

“So, something exciting happened at work today.”

Grace looked up at her dad expectantly.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Uncle Steve umm…he got a ring for Catherine. He’s going to propose tonight.”

Grace furrowed her brow for a moment.

“So…she’s staying in Hawaii?”

Danny took a bite of his chicken, chewed it and swallowed.

“I guess she will be if she says yes.”

“Huh,” Grace replied before dropping her eyes to her plate again. “That’s nice. I’m happy for them,” she said quietly.

Danny reached over the table and placed his hand over Grace’s.

“Hey, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be thrilled. Another wedding to go to.”

Grace looked up and flashed him a thin smile before looking down again.

“I am. It’s great.”

Danny kept hold of his daughter’s hand and rubbed it gently with his thumb.

“Come on, Monkey. Tell me what’s bothering you. You can say anything to me, you know that.”

Grace snorted lightly.

“Unless it’s about boys.”

Danny grinned at her.

“You can discuss boys with me, just not until after you turn 30. But how about telling me what’s bothering you right now.”

Danny pulled his hand away and sat back in his chair looking at his daughter expectantly. Grace chewed nervously on her bottom lip.

“It’s just…saying it out loud makes me sound so selfish and spoiled.”

“Well, tell me anyway and I’ll try not to judge you alright?”

Grace sighed and put her fork down on her plate before looking up at her dad.

“It’s just…when Uncle Steve gets married he won’t have much time for us anymore. He’ll be too busy with his new wife to have us over for a swim or a barbeque. Then they’ll have kids and…maybe I’ll hardly ever see him again.”

Danny nodded slowly and pressed his lips together as he considered his daughter’s words.

“Yeah, I worry about that a bit too.”

Grace’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You do? But you see Uncle Steve all day long.”

Danny shrugged.

“Yeah, but I still like being on his beach and just hanging out with him as a buddy, nothing work-related. That may not happen too much anymore.”

The detective sat forward and put his elbows on the table to look intently at Grace.

“Look sweetie, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you everything is going to be the same between us and Uncle Steve because you know that’s not true. He and Catherine will be busy planning the wedding, then going on a honeymoon and hopefully soon, expecting a baby. We won’t be able to spend the time with him on weekends that we have before.”

Danny reached forward and took Grace’s hand and this time she tangled her fingers with his.

“But we want Uncle Steve to be happy. You know he’ll be an awesome father and I want him to have that experience, hopefully several times over. It’s been the best part of my life and I want that for him. Don’t you?”

Grace swallowed thickly and nodded.

“But even though Uncle Steve will be busy with his own life and family it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love you like crazy and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if you ever need him he’ll be there. You know that too, right?”

Grace gave Danny a small smile and nodded again.

“Yeah, I know. I love Uncle Steve and I want him to be happy too. Maybe tomorrow after school we can stop at a store and I can get them a congratulations card?”

Danny smiled proudly at his baby girl.

“I think that’s a great idea. They’ll be thrilled.”

*********

Steve pushed open the front door of his house with his foot while balancing the two heavy brown paper bags of groceries in his arms. He used his heel to slam the door shut then walked into the kitchen and placed the bags on the table. He began unpacking the fixings for the special meal he was going to prepare then stopped as he heard someone moving around upstairs.

Steve put down the bottle of red wine he’d been holding and walked to the bottom of the stairs and looked up.

“Cath?”

“Up here.”

“I thought you were out doing errands.”

“I finished early,” came the disembodied voice.

Steve smiled lasciviously and began to climb the stairs. It was too early to start cooking but he had another idea about how he could fill the time.

The SEAL jogged down the hall and pushed open his bedroom door then stopped short when he saw Catherine piling clothes into a suitcase laid open on his bed. Steve felt his heart clench in his chest.

“What are you doing?”

Cath looked over her shoulder at him and gave him a smile before turning back to her packing.

“I got a call from my friend Edward Birnbaum today. He’s offering me a job in his new security company in Santa Fe. It’s only for six months but it’s an amazing opportunity.”

Steve stood frozen in the doorway for a long moment, unable to speak.

“My flight leaves in two hours.”

Steve opened and closed his mouth before he could force words out.

“What are you talking about? What are you…? I thought you were back for good.”

Catherine turned and walked over to Steve cupping her hand on the side of his face.

“It’s just for six months. I’ll come back after and we’ll see where we go from there.”

Steve stared down at the dark-haired woman in disbelief.

“Where we go…? I don’t understand. I thought you were back here for good. I thought you were going to move in and we’d…be together.”

Catherine dropped her shoulders and gave Steve a regretful look.

“Steve, I’m sorry. When I came back here that’s what I thought I wanted too, but I just can’t. I’m not ready to settle down. I don’t want to hurt you but I’m not ready.”

Steve licked his suddenly parched lips and stepped away from Catherine.

“But I…” the SEAL fumbled in his pocket and pulled out the velvet box. “I got this for you, for us. I was going to ask you to marry me tonight.”

Catherine gasped and looked wide-eyed at the box. She slowly reached out and took it from Steve and opened the lid staring down at the sparkling ring.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, her voice choking with emotion. She shook her head sadly and swiped at one lone tear tracking down her cheek. “I feel like I’ve waited so long for this.”

Steve stepped closer to her again and put his hands on her shoulders.

“Then say yes, and stay.”

Catherine closed her eyes tightly and gently snapped the lid of the ring box shut. She gripped it tightly in her hand.

“Steve, for the last seven years I’ve wanted this, to have this moment. To have you ask me to marry you. It’s all I’ve been focused on and I’ve built my life and my happiness around that.”

Steve shrugged slightly.

“Well, now you have it.”

Catherine looked up sharply then grabbed Steve’s hand and forced the black box against his palm.

“Don’t you see what I’m saying?” she replied sharply. “I’ve made you the focus of my life for the last seven years. I left the Navy because of you…”

“Don’t blame that on me,” Steve snapped. “I never asked you to do that.”

“I know you didn’t, I made that decision all on my own so I could be close to you, to try to wedge myself into your life somehow. I thought if I stayed here and insinuated myself into your life you’d finally realize you can’t live without me and we’d get married.”

Steve lifted and dropped one hand in confusion.

“That’s what I’m offering – marriage. You got what you wanted so why are you leaving?”

“Oh, Steve,” Catherine sighed, walking away from the SEAL and moving to the window. She stared blindly out at the ocean for several long moments. “For almost a decade my major goal in life has been catching you. Nothing else has mattered, not even my career. Don’t you think that’s kind of sad?” 

She turned away from the window to face Steve again, her heart breaking at the lost, lonely expression she’d put there.

“I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want from life. I lost myself in you, in being the perfect girlfriend. In trying to be what I thought you would want.”

Steve shook his head slowly from side to side.

“I never wanted you to be anything but who you are.”

Catherine gave him a pained smile.

“All that time…you wouldn’t commit, you wouldn’t even admit I was your girlfriend. I just assumed you wanted the friends with benefits thing to carry on, but I wanted more.”

Steve ran a distracted hand through his hair.

“I was on missions, never in one place for more than a few weeks. Then my father…and Wo Fat…I couldn’t settle down. It was too dangerous. I didn’t want to risk your life like that.”

“I know,” Catherine replied softly, dropping her eyes to the floor.

“But everything is different now,” Steve took a step forward and held out his hand as if beckoning her. “Wo Fat is dead, my father’s death has been avenged. I’m ready to settle down and build a family with you.”

Catherine closed her eyes tightly against the threatening tears.

“Steve, I don’t know how to make you understand. I love you. I’ve loved you for so long, and I made you the focus of my life, taking whatever scraps you could give me. I lost myself in that. I subsumed my personality and desires for you.” 

The dark-haired woman opened her eyes and looked at him pleadingly.

“When I went to Afghanistan and started teaching, and discovered how happy that made me I realized what I’d done. That I’d put my life and ambition aside for you. All I was focused on was being Mrs. Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett. I lost sight of who Catherine Rollins was, what she wanted out of life.”

Steve seemed to shrink visibly as he sat down on a pile of her clothes on the bed.

“I didn’t know loving me was so toxic for you. I guess I should have known. It is for most people.”

“Steve,” Catherine sighed, “this isn’t about you, it’s about me. About the kind of person I’ve become. I person I don’t like anymore. You’re a wonderful, beautiful, caring man. You need a woman who loves you but can stand up to you, to demand what she wants, to push back, to fight for who she is…a female Danny I guess. I’m not that woman. I was ready to mold myself around you and until I can understand why, until I can understand how I can put so much of myself aside to try to please someone else, I can’t marry you, or anyone.”

Cath came around the bed and knelt down in front of Steve placing her hands on his knees. Her heart broke at the sight of his eyes brimming with tears.

“I know I’ll probably hate myself for doing this for the rest of my life,” Catherine’s voice was hoarse with suppressed emotion. “But I need to try life on my own for a while. I went from my parent’s house to the Navy to you. You’re a legend on this island, a favourite son. If I marry you know I know I’ll just sink down into your shadow. I’ll lose even more of myself.”

Steve sat slumped heavily, his head dipped so low she could no longer see his eyes.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me for doing this Steve, but I hope someday you will.”

Catherine stood and, with one deep breath, shoved the rest of her clothes in the suitcase not even trying to gather those Steve was sitting on. She zipped the case shut and pulled it off the bed, then turned and walked to the bedroom door.

“I’m not waiting for you,” Steve ground out. “This time I’m not waiting for you.”

Catherine turned back to regard Steve’s slumped, defeated form for a long moment.

“I love you Steve. I think I’ll always love you. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.”

With that Catherine turned and walked out of the room and down the stairs.

Steve sat motionless for a moment before bending forward and burying his face in his hands.

**********

Danny jerked awake at the sound of the ringing phone. He rubbed his eyes before checking his bedside clock: 11:03. A late night call never boded well. With a sigh he reached over and picked up his phone surprised to see Steve’s name on the screen. 

“You know you’re supposed to spend your engagement night making out with your fiancé not calling your partner,” the detective joked.

Danny’s heart stilled at the echoing silence on the other end of the phone.

“Steve?” The Jersey native sat up in bed shifting so his feet were on the floor. “Steve, are you ok? What’s happening? Talk to me.”

A shaky exhale of air broke the silence from the other end of the phone.

“You were right,” Steve finally spoke, his voice so choked with emotion Danny almost couldn’t understand him. “You were right…she doesn’t…she’s…”

Danny pushed away the rest of the covers and stood up hurrying across the room to dig in his closet for something to wear.

“Steve, hang on, ok? I’ll be right there. I’m getting dressed and I’ll be right there.”

**********  
Danny didn’t even bother checking inside the house when he arrived at the McGarrett home 10 minutes later. When Steve was upset, depressed, worried or struggling with anything emotional, he sat by the sea – or sometimes threw himself into it. As he ran around the corner of the house into the back yard, Danny hoped his partner hadn’t been upset enough to go swimming in the dark of night. If something happened to the SEAL out there, Danny would never be able to see him or get help in time.

Danny slowed his run to a quick walk as he spotted the slumped form of his best friend on one of the Adirondack chairs near the water. An empty glass sat on the arm of the chair near him and what looked like a half-empty bottle of scotch lay partially buried in the sand next to the chair.

Danny moved slowly around the chair and came to a halt in front of Steve. The look of devastation on his partner’s face made his heart ache.

“Babe?” Danny asked quietly, kneeling down in front of the SEAL. “Babe, its Danny. I’m here.”

Steve slowly raised puffy, bleary eyes and regarded Danny curiously.

“Danno? What are you doing here?”

“You called me, babe, remember?”

Steve seemed to ponder that a moment then nodded his head. He leaned forward and groped blindly for the bottle. Grabbing it by the neck he shakily sloshed the liquid into the glass until it was full He dropped the bottle back to the sand and took a slug of the fiery liquid.

“Steve, what happened?” Danny probed gently.

Steve snorted loudly then laughed.

“She left. She doesn’t want to marry me. Doesn’t even want to be around me. She wants to find herself and I guess she can only do that far, far away from me. Sounded like the stupid fucking Eat Pray Love shit she made me read that time.”

Danny closed his eyes briefly. Everything he feared had just come true.

“I’m so sorry babe,” he whispered softly, laying one hand on Steve’s left knee.

“Why? You should be proud of yourself,” Steve replied belligerently. “You were right. You’re always right. Doesn’t that make you happy?”

Danny gripped Steve’s knee tightly.

“This is the last thing I wanted, Steve. You know that. I want you to be happy.”

Steve choked back a sob then drained the last of the whiskey throwing the glass over Danny’s head to land with a distant splash in the ocean.

“That’s never going to happen. I’m going to be alone in this fucking ghost house for the rest of my fucking life,” he shouted.

“Steven, listen to me…” Danny began but his words were cut off when Steve shoved him backwards in the sand and lurched to his feet stumbling towards the water.

“Steve!” Danny yelled, scrambling to his feet and running towards his partner. “No, you can’t swim in the dark, please.”

“Fuck off!” Steve shouted back. “I’m a fucking Navy SEAL. I can do anything, don’t you know that?”

Steve turned around and began walking backwards using his hands to keep Danny at bay.

“I’m a machine, a robot. I can kill at will. I have no emotions. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can destroy me.”

“Steven, listen to me,” Danny pleaded, holding his hands out ready to grab his partner at any moment. “I know you’re scared. I know you’re lonely. I know you think you’ll be alone forever. I understand that, babe. Believe me. I felt the same way when Rachel left me. But it’s not true, do you hear me? It’s not true. I’m here. Chin, Kono, Lou, Grace, we’re all here. You’re not alone, babe. I know it’s not the same. I know it won’t be enough, but for now, we’re your family and we’re going to take care of you.”

Steve shook his head slowly from side to side still walking backwards, the water lapping over his feet.

“You’ll leave me too. Everyone leaves me.”

“No, babe. No I won’t, and neither will the others. We love you babe and someday, I know you won’t believe it right now, but someday you’ll find a woman who gives you the happiness you deserve.”

Steve turned and began to run towards the water but stumbled drunkenly and fell face first into the ocean. He came up with a sputter and, as if all his strength left him, sat back on his butt, the water lapping around his abdomen. 

Danny watched him for a long moment almost afraid to approach as if Steve would suddenly bolt out of his sight.

“Danny,” Steve whispered his name so quietly that Danny almost didn’t hear over the shushing of the waves on the shore. Without hesitation Danny splashed into the water and dropped down beside his now sobbing partner. He wrapped his arms around the taller man and began rocking him gently as the SEAL slumped against him burying his face in Danny’s shirt.

“It’s ok, babe,” Danny whispered into Steve’s wet hair. “I’m here. I’ll always be here. You’re not alone.”


End file.
